EXPLAINING THE SEVEN SACRAMENTS

We had friends staying on the weekend just gone. One of them, Deepa is Indian of I'm not sure which religion but certainly not a Christian one.

When the dinner conversation touched on religion it was clear that she didn't have a clue about the arcane beliefs of Christians, especially Catholics. I found that it was difficult trying to explain Catholic teachings to her mainly because I don't believe in the mumbo jumbo that is expounded by the Catechism. I might as well have been trying to give her the recipe for a Voodoo spell.

I discovered that, when it came to explaining the sacraments that using everyday metaphors and allusions was more helpful than the gobbledy-goop that the nuns, brothers and priests served up to me at school.

BAPTISM

I explained this as Christian babies being born particularly dirty. They are so dirty spiritually that a priest has to give them a wash in special water. Washing is concentrated on the area of the head mainly a bit like cleaning lettuces and cabbages.

CONFIRMATION

Confirmation is like the last chance for Catholics to get out before they are locked in. The ultra-priest or bishop comes along and lays hands on the young person (usually about the age of 12). The bishop obviously gets more out of this than the young person but it's a way of showing who has the power in this relationship.

EUCHARIST

This was a biggie to explain - transubstantiation and all that but the best way to do so was to liken the body of Christ to a slice of bread. Put it in the toaster and it changes. It no longer is bread. It is now toast. Get it? No, I don't think that Deepa did either.
With the blood of Christ I used the example of making mulled wine. You start with red wine, add some herbs and spices and warm it up. It changes into mulled wine. We tried a few examples and I think Deepa got a bit pissed which is just as well because next I had to explain ....

PENANCE

Penance is like American politics. If you are at the top like being the President or the leader of the Senate you can do whatever you like and get away with it. All you have to do is deny that you've done anything wrong or, if caught out, say sorry and move on. Easy.

ANOINTING THE SICK

This is a lot like Penance. If you are old, infirm, sick or dying then you can get away with all of the bad things that you've ever done. This can include all sorts of crimes including murder. All you have to do is say "Yes I believe in that mythical being god". Easy, and as god is mythical there's no foul.

MARRIAGE

Marriage in the Catholic church is a bit like signing up for a club like a gentleman's club or for the scouts. There are all sorts of funny rules and regulations like: you can have sex but you can't enjoy it; you can only have sex to produce children; you cannot use contraception when having sex; you better be prepared to have as many children as the number of times you have sex; you can only ever marry once unless your partner dies (you cannot kill your partner - that's another rule that comes under THE COMMANDMENTS but you can, if you break this commandment get away with it on your deathbed by saying sorry - see ANOINTING THE SICK).

HOLY ORDERS

Holy Orders is like Marriage in the Catholic church but is reserved for priests and bishops - you know, those guys who like to lay their hands on young people (see Confirmation). These guys who can't get regular women marry themselves to god. It's sort of like masturbation but with the use of hands reserved for the 'laying on' (see Confirmation again).


I hope that this was helpful. Feel free to use the above explanations should you have guests from other cultures and religions staying who want to know about the SACRAMENTS.
I can do another explanatory post on THE ASCENSION, THE ASSUMPTION AND THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION but you will need to stock up on and imbibe a lot of mulled wine to aid in comprehension.