LET'S TAKE GOD OUT OF THE EQUATION

How often has this sort of stuff been seen through history right up to current conflicts where fools on both sides of wars, disputes and religions claim that they have some god-given right to act the way they do.

In a recent post I wrote as The Curmudgeon on America's invasionary role in the Middle East Robert The Sinner referenced this in his soon to be deleted post saying:

"It seems every time there is a hiccup in the world some one says we are approaching the end times.
It's like the expectation of heaven or hell.
Heaven is not a place to come but a place that already experienced by those that invite Jesus into their hearts.
Likewise Hell is not a place to come but a place already experienced by those that choose not to."

I hadn't put religion into the equation when commenting on the murder of an Iranian terrorist but Robert immediately did. Here lies the problem. The Middle East issues are about land and resource ownership, tribal differentiation and historical grievances. These make up the reasons of invasion, war, colonisation and even genocide. For reasons of justification all antagonists use the umbrella of 'GOTT MIT UNS' and similar to try and make themselves seen in the right. It's no accident that the Americans are forever calling on a god to assist them and claiming that what they do is for god (God) and the American way. Most if not all Arabic countries do similar with calling on their moslem god or prophet Allah to give them guidance and approval in their wars and violent behaviour.

This has got (pun intended) to stop and god has to be taken out of the equation before any serious debate and long-lasting solutions found to fairly share land, wealth and opportunity.

EXPLAINING THE SEVEN SACRAMENTS

We had friends staying on the weekend just gone. One of them, Deepa is Indian of I'm not sure which religion but certainly not a Christian one.

When the dinner conversation touched on religion it was clear that she didn't have a clue about the arcane beliefs of Christians, especially Catholics. I found that it was difficult trying to explain Catholic teachings to her mainly because I don't believe in the mumbo jumbo that is expounded by the Catechism. I might as well have been trying to give her the recipe for a Voodoo spell.

I discovered that, when it came to explaining the sacraments that using everyday metaphors and allusions was more helpful than the gobbledy-goop that the nuns, brothers and priests served up to me at school.

BAPTISM

I explained this as Christian babies being born particularly dirty. They are so dirty spiritually that a priest has to give them a wash in special water. Washing is concentrated on the area of the head mainly a bit like cleaning lettuces and cabbages.

CONFIRMATION

Confirmation is like the last chance for Catholics to get out before they are locked in. The ultra-priest or bishop comes along and lays hands on the young person (usually about the age of 12). The bishop obviously gets more out of this than the young person but it's a way of showing who has the power in this relationship.

EUCHARIST

This was a biggie to explain - transubstantiation and all that but the best way to do so was to liken the body of Christ to a slice of bread. Put it in the toaster and it changes. It no longer is bread. It is now toast. Get it? No, I don't think that Deepa did either.
With the blood of Christ I used the example of making mulled wine. You start with red wine, add some herbs and spices and warm it up. It changes into mulled wine. We tried a few examples and I think Deepa got a bit pissed which is just as well because next I had to explain ....

PENANCE

Penance is like American politics. If you are at the top like being the President or the leader of the Senate you can do whatever you like and get away with it. All you have to do is deny that you've done anything wrong or, if caught out, say sorry and move on. Easy.

ANOINTING THE SICK

This is a lot like Penance. If you are old, infirm, sick or dying then you can get away with all of the bad things that you've ever done. This can include all sorts of crimes including murder. All you have to do is say "Yes I believe in that mythical being god". Easy, and as god is mythical there's no foul.

MARRIAGE

Marriage in the Catholic church is a bit like signing up for a club like a gentleman's club or for the scouts. There are all sorts of funny rules and regulations like: you can have sex but you can't enjoy it; you can only have sex to produce children; you cannot use contraception when having sex; you better be prepared to have as many children as the number of times you have sex; you can only ever marry once unless your partner dies (you cannot kill your partner - that's another rule that comes under THE COMMANDMENTS but you can, if you break this commandment get away with it on your deathbed by saying sorry - see ANOINTING THE SICK).

HOLY ORDERS

Holy Orders is like Marriage in the Catholic church but is reserved for priests and bishops - you know, those guys who like to lay their hands on young people (see Confirmation). These guys who can't get regular women marry themselves to god. It's sort of like masturbation but with the use of hands reserved for the 'laying on' (see Confirmation again).


I hope that this was helpful. Feel free to use the above explanations should you have guests from other cultures and religions staying who want to know about the SACRAMENTS.
I can do another explanatory post on THE ASCENSION, THE ASSUMPTION AND THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION but you will need to stock up on and imbibe a lot of mulled wine to aid in comprehension.

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT

Some Christians need a good slap and I'm happy to say that the Pope is leading by example.

POPE SLAP

I like old Frank. He doesn't muck about if he's displeased. I like this clip where he pulls his hand away when he doesn't like the look of the nutter coming in for a close-up.

DON'T TOUCH ME

Even the President of the United States gets slapped away.

FUCK OFF DONALD

YOU GO FRANK!