A PRAYER TO SAINT BETTY

 

You of course know that Saint Betty (formerly known as saint Anne which I guess makes her an Annex) was The Virgin Mary's mother. Thanks to Richard of Richard's Bass Bag* for bringing that to our attention. It probably deserves a prayer in Saint Betty's favour.

Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)

Black Betty had a child (Bam-ba-Lam)

The damn thing gone wild (Bam-ba-Lam)

She said, "I'm worryin' outta mind" (Bam-ba-Lam)

The damn thing gone blind (Bam-ba-Lam)

I said "Oh, Black Betty" (Bam-ba-Lam)

Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam)

Oh, Black Betty (Bam-ba-Lam) ..........

 ........ Sorry about that-wrong prayer.

Let's try again:

Oh dear little Flo

I love you so

Especially in your nightie

When the moonlight flits

Across your tits

Oh ..... Jesus Christ almighty!

Oops, wrong again but thanks to Dudley Moore for that. See: THE REVEREND IKE

It's a nice little prayer though and is a hell of a lot better than others that I've just researched.

Most of them are wimpy, English 18th and 19th century sycophantic entreaties to a powerful god who they thought might crush them if they didn't toe the line. They were, of course, a means of keeping the uneducated and potentially dangerous rabble in place lest they get thoughts above their station. We all know what Karl Marx thought about that.

 Here's a kind of word collage of them. I've taken some of the often repeated lines of claptrap and combined into a sort of prayer.

Our Father, who art in heaven, the lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women, and to the Holy Spirit who has a thing for thee

Hail, Holy Queen, mother of mercy,

Defend me from the evil enemy

And call me at the hour of my death to the fellowship of your saints

We fly unto thee, O virgin of virgins my mother;

To thee do we come, before thee we stand, sinful and sorrowful;

Give us this day our daily bread and the blessed  fruit of thy womb, Jesus. This will balance our diet.

Blood of Christ, let me drink your wine which will go well with that meat

Water flowing from the side of Christ, wash me clean afterwards.

 etc.

And that was just the catholic stuff.

The Anglican crap is much worse:

ALMIGHTY God, Father of all mercies,

We your unworthy servants give you most humble and hearty thanks not only with our lips, But in our lives; by giving up ourselves to your service,

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father,

We have erred and strayed from your ways like lost sheep,

That you would be pleased to make thy ways known unto them

Open my lips, O Lord, and my mouth shall proclaim your praise.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.

They have a thing for lips in the Anglican church.

The American prayers are, as as expected, worse than the English based catholic and anglican ones. They seem to make up prayers for anything: Being successful in business; passing exams; driving safely to work; keeping the lawn tidy etc.

I won't offend you with some of them that I discovered - I am The Religious Curmudgeon after all.

What I will do is give you a prayer to Saint Betty so that you can use it when waiting to be served in a restaurant. Saint Betty is the patron saint of speedy restaurant service.

O Saint Betty whose surname wasn't Crocker

She was another foodie but I wouldn't mock her

Like thou she gave us instant gratification

For our worldly needs and some sugar satisfaction

That pregnant barmaid is there again I note

I hope it's not Mary as that Holy Ghost is sniffing about (Canadian pronunciation there)

One grandson's enough for you I'd have thought

Another with a made up story would be a bit of a rort.

If it is Mary I hope she's not taking an order of mine

Last time she poured me a beer instead of wine

O Saint Betty, we're in a bit of a hurry

I pray to thee that we won't have to worry

Get us in and out within half an hour for our dinner

'Cos it will gob smack Robert The Apathetic Sinner

 

* An old and sometimes read blog.

"BE TRANSFORMED BY THE RENEWING OF YOUR MINDS" - BOB THE CLEANER *

 Robert of Moera, a catholic cleaner in the Hutt Valley, swore to wipe out sinners and those who eschewed the teachings of his church and his beloved priests. He particularly hated homosexuals, adulterers, unmarried couples and those who supported abortion.

Robert was "breathing out murderous threats against gays, atheists, protestants and the city's mayor when he was directed, by a cleaner with a bad knee, to empty the bins near the desks where PhD students work at computer screens. As usual Robert was listening to a podcast through his earphones and was a bit distracted. The topic of the podcast was 'Woke'. It was about Donald Trump's attack on the USA women's soccer team - "bunch of dykes"- he called them. Robert agreed  and his head was filled with a cosy image of his hero embracing the American flag.

Trump has been embroiled in a feud with the US team’s star player Megan Rapinoe after she claimed before the side’s World Cup win in 2019 that “I’m not going to the fucking White House’’ for a presidential audience while Trump was in power.

As Robert bent down to grab a rubbish bin he heard a voice in his head. It said "Do you really want to hurt me?" 

"Whaaa? said Robert. He was still listening to the podcast and had the image of Megan Rapinoe in his mind.

"Do you really want to make me cry?" asked Rapinoe.

Robert dropped the bin, sending debris over the carpet with some dust going into his eyes, temporally blinding him. He shook head and something like scales fell from his eyes. He looked up and was confronted by a beautiful rainbow flag. 

"It's a miracle" he thought and, like his hero he embraced the flag saying "Sorry, sorry.." over and over.

He left the bins and raced out of the office waving his beautiful rainbow flag.

"I think I'll be known as Bob now" thought Robert. I've seen the error of my ways.

"I can't wait to tell Richard, but first I'd better stock up the condom machine at the church store and rub off that graffiti I painted on the Family Planning Centre."

************************

Meanwhile, in a desk in the office a cellphone that a student left behind continued to play a Culture Club song on the Spotify app.

"....... In my heart the fire is burning

Choose my colour find a star

Precious people always tell me

That's a step a step too far....."

* With apologies to St Paul The Apostle.