RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON

There's some big news in Catholicland today - Richard (of RBB) might be returning to the fold.

For those who dont know Richard is a famous well known retired schoolteacher and musician who usually resides in Wainouiomata but is often seen lurking around other parts of the Hutt Valley - like Silverstream.

Some time ago Richard, who had been educated brought up in the Catholic faith under the guidance and manipulations ministrations of nuns, brothers and priests, renounced his religion and cast many a bad aspersion about religion and the Catholic Church in particular.

Yesterday, like Saul on the way to Damascus, Richard made a confession of sorts. Admittedly the confession was guised under the form of blaming another blogger, and wasn't about anything particularly heinous but 'from little acorns grow ...'.

We thought it opportune to have a discussion with Richard and so arranged for a representative of the Wellington Catholic archdiocese to have a meeting with him. The notes of the meeting follow:

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  Hello Richard. I'm glad that you could make this meeting. Would you like a glass of wine? Here's the wine list - my shout.

RICHARD (OF  RBB):    Thanks Father - hey! This place is fancy. Where are the cleanskins?                            

FATHER INTHEBETTA: Mmmm? I'm not sure what you mean. This is the place that we normally dine and have drinks in - 'The Mother of God's Milk'. I've never thought of it as expensive. I just sign the tab that we keep going here. Someone tops it up each week - some funny little fellow named Robert the something or other.

RICHARD (OF RBB):     Robert the apathetic sinner and toilet cleaner?

FATHER INTHEBETTA: Mmmm? Yes, that's the chap. Listen (sotto voce) between us, we caught him taking suspicious photographs of a statue of The Virgin Mary and have blackmailed him for our silence on the matter as long as he keeps the tab going here. That'll teach him for cleaning those Protestant churches.

RICHARD (OF RBB):    Ha ha - nice one Father.

FATHER INTHEBETTA: Just call me Dad my son.

RICHARD (OF RBB):    OK Dad. Look, you must know about cleanskins. I wrote about it in my blog. Your agent, The Religious Curmudgeon said that you'd read my confession about the number of bottles of cleanskin chardonnay I go through.

FATHER INTHEBETTA: Oh, that. No, I didn't read it - are you mad? We just thought that it was time to get you back. You've been causing a bit of trouble 'out there' what with not  only what you say but your alter egos Angry Jesus and Evil Doctor Richard who to be honest are a bit off the wall.

RICHARD (OF RBB):     OK, I'll have a McDonald's Church Road Reserve Hawkes Bay Chardonnay 2018. It's a bit salty but has pungent tones of melon, oak and horseradish .

FATHER INTHEBETTA: Horseshit!

RICHARD (OF RBB):     No, horseradish.

FATHER INTHEBETTA: No, horseshit. Don't pretend you know a lot about wine Matey. Don't kid a  kidder and, believe me I know how to kid being a priest and all.

RICHARD (OF RBB):     (mutters) Yeah, kids, that figures.

FATHER INTHEBETTA: What's that?

RICHARD (OF RBB):      I just said "beer lids that skidded".

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  Have you had a stroke?

                                             Anyway to get back to the topic - have you considered coming back. We have some good reports about you even if they are a bit dated. Look, here's one (rummaging through the large file he has in front of him) - ummm, 1963 "Richard is a very nice boy, small and easy to handle which is surprising since he's a rather large chap" - Brother Kanusperadiym.                                          

RICHARD (OF RBB):     Bastard!

FATHER INTHEBETTA: No, Polish I think.

RICHARD (OF RBB):      Dad, get this through your fricken head - I don't want to come back.

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  Are you sure?

RICHARD (OF RBB):      Yes, I'm sure. I've got a brother who's a bit of a Christian nut who's sure he's going to heaven. I don't want to end up with him (and Mr Linford) banging on about Jesus for eternity.

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  Well listen old fella- I've got some news for you there. Robert the sinning toilet cleaner won't be going to heaven so you should be all right.

RICHARD (OF RBB):      You mean?

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  Yes, he's buggered, I mean, um, he's blotted his copybook as it were. Last   week he didn't attend Sunday Mass and he didn't confess it.

RICHARD (OF RBB):      He's going straight to hell?

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  In a hand-basket my son, in a hand-basket.

RICHARD (OF RBB):       I'll drink to that.

FATHER INTHEBETTA:  More wine mmm? Here's a chilled red. Try this.

We have to leave the report of the meeting there as Richard (of RBB) and Father Inthebetta had a few more wines, told stories about school, the Church and Robert and got pissed.