MASS MARKETING

 It seems that Robert is muscling into the Wellington tours since the false start by the New Richard's Bass Bag Tour and the ensuing poor reviews:

I shudder to think what a Robert's Tour experience might be like. You'd want to go in disguise that's for damn sure as you wouldn't want pedestrians recognising you in the van.

I think that a pre-emptive strike is needed. Robert does identify a promising market though - Catholics who have nothing better to do than go around visiting churches. This made me think that a bigger market could be lapsed-catholics who want to get their own back at the institution that brow-beat them and told them so many lies over the years of their education.

Fortunately I have some experience in being a sacristan and know of a way to please these disgruntled future clients. At school, when I was a sacristan I unearthed a black market for communion hosts outside of the strict confines of the Mass. Students like Dennehy and Wilson approached me for some hosts as they (weirdly) liked the taste of them and didn't want to go through the long-winded process of attending a service to get some. They also, being sinners, were rarely in a 'state-of-grace' to receive communion and, anyway, didn't like to receive the host from the grubby hands of a priest - after all, who knows what he'd been doing with those hands. An idea was born. You know the rest but here's a refresher for you: MINE HOST

I will draw up some fancy brochures (I did have a career in marketing after all) but here's a quick outline of what a The Curmudgeon's 'Mine Host' tour will encompass:

• Confirmed rendezvous
• Guaranteed collection.
• 'Mine Host' tee shirt.
• Special 'scapula' identification badges.
• Balaclava and hoody provided for break-ins.
• Back-door visits to lesser fortified churches.
• A selection of toppings for the communion hosts liberated.
• Celebratory stop at 'The Loaves and Fishes' bar with complementary glasses of altar wine - Santa Massa Mass Wine:

• or, what the priest actually drinks - Ormond Rich Ruby Port: 

Keep an eye out for the advertising campaign and I advise that you book early because this will be a doozy.