WHEN I COME MARCHING IN

Yesterday when I was taking the train to Waikanae I stared out the window, as you do, looking into the middle distance. At one point  I noticed a shaft of sunlight breaking through a cloud that's typical of the Kapiti coast and shining down into the sea. The effect was quite mystical and I thought that I might have had a vision.

"Why me" I thought and then immediately had another thought "why not me?"

Hey! I can be just as good a visionary, a mystic or a saint as those other nutters that Robert bangs on about although I don't think I'd be much cop as a martyr. If the nasty blokes threatened to hold hot pokers to my feet to get me to renounce Robert's god I'd likely say "fair enough, what else do you suggest?"

Saint Peter is a good saint name and has been successfully used before. I might have to add a by-line to save confusion though and need to think up something that  can be the patron saint for. Saint Peter the moaner doesn't have sufficient cred for Catholics so I might have to jazz that up - I guess Saint Peter the patron saint of curmudgeons has a certain ring to it.

I've noticed that Robert's nutters have usually experienced some vision of Mary or Jesus exposing themselves or calling out from clouds. In the bible god used to pretend to be a burning bush, a vibrating rock or a talking donkey to get the attention of the schizophrenics mystics and saints. I need to come up with something new. I notice that even though it's mentioned a bit in the catechism and scriptures The Holy Ghost hasn't done much meet and greeting.

I reckon that I could put a narrative around my 'vision' on the train and The Holy Ghost. I was alone in the carriage at the time so there's no-one to dispute what I saw or didn't see,

I'm not sure what The Holy Ghost is responsible for or what attributes it possesses but, given the constructs of the Catholic Church and the Catechism and the acceptance of the insane babblings of crazy nuns, psychotic friars and sad and lonely priests, then I'm sure that I could make up some things that believers like Robert will buy into.

I searched the internet but could only come up with nebulous shite like this:

The Holy Spirit enables Christian life by dwelling in the individual believers and enables them to live a righteous and faithful life. The Holy Spirit also acts as comforter or Paraclete, one who intercedes, or supports or acts as an advocate, particularly in times of trial.

And this: 

The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are an enumeration of seven spiritual gifts first found in the book of Isaiah, and much commented upon by patristic authors. They are: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.

That's not exactly riveting. I'd prefer some bricks and mortar stuff and to be aligned with more of a heroic character like Richard's Baxter who's not averse to a bit of evisceration or beheading:

"Hey! Where are those bloody heathens?"

He would have to be disguised as a seagull though. As much as I dislike this imagery it has become the default setting for The Holy Ghost among Catholics so it might be too much of a stretch to create anything different. I want my path to canonisation to be easy after all.

I know that Robert's church won't make me a saint straight away and that I'll have to work at it - maybe over a few weeks or even a month. I'll have to create a few seagull-like visitations, happenings and miracles and report on these via future blog posts. I'm not sure if old Frank reads my blog - he should because I've generally been complementary to him but maybe Robert can put a good word in for me.

Thanks Frank, that's what I'm after.

I'm looking forward to being a saint and am already thinking about what warrants or crests I can use on the blog to denote the accolade - something like a royal warrant to the queen:

Stay posted!