INQUISITION

 

We have, just to hand, a transcript from the Catholic Archdiocese of Wellington who called a special synod to discuss the suspected heresy and desertion of one of its members.

The transcript is very long (and boring) as you'd expect and bangs on seemingly forever about Catholic mysticism and a lot of other silly things. The gist of it is though that Robert the catholic cleaner was caught cleaning at an Anglican church and summoned to appear at the synod to explain himself. The presiding bishop - Bishop Loveboy, assisted by Father Fromm-Methebetta on secondment from The Vatican wrapped up proceedings as follows:

**continues**

Bishop Loveboy:  ... so Robert, you admit that you were seen, on numerous occasions, habituating the Anglican temple of demonomancy and heresy and ...

Robert the catholic cleaner: ... umm... I don't do that your honour.

Bishop Loveboy: What? Stop mumbling boy. What don't you do?

Robert the catholic cleaner: ... umm... I don't do that with my hands your honour. It's a sin ...

Bishop Loveboy: You're making no sense boy, I've got a good mind to ...

Father Fromm-Methebetta: Ah - if I mightta makea tha suggestion Excellency - I thinka he meansa the masturbation.

Bishop Loveboy: Eeew! Get your mind out of the gutter boy. This is the Catholic Church here. I meant that you were seen inside that evil place.

Robert the catholic cleaner: Oh, right, rightyo um guilty as charged your honour.

Bishop Loveboy: OK - we can wrap this up then - let's ...

Robert the catholic cleaner: Umm .. your honour?

Bishop Loveboy: What is it boy. Can't you see that I'm busy. I've got to excommunicate you - its a pity we can no longer flog you or burn you at a stake - and then I've got to go fidd .. er I've got some little problematic jobs to do.

Robert the catholic cleaner: Umm, your honour, it's just that when I was cleaning the Catholic church, my local and the one that you used to be parish priest at years ago, I found in a back cupboard a little journal with names in it ...

Bishop Loveboy: (blanching) Um um um a little journal you say? Whose is it do you think?

Robert the catholic cleaner: It's yours your honour. It has your name written in the front. It says "This journal belongs to Father Loveboy please return it immediately without reading it if you find it."

Bishop Loveboy: Ha ha ... I see um, you didn't read it did you boy?

Robert the catholic cleaner: Well, as I cannot tell a lie your honour, yes I did. It had a lot of names written in it.

Bishop Loveboy: Ha ha. Names you say? Ha ha. Anything else boy?

Robert the catholic cleaner: Alongside each name - which was a name of one of the altar boys - was a little description of what they liked or didn't like and some detail of what you di ....

Bishop Loveboy: Ha ha. That'll do boy - let's just leave that there shall we. Look, I don't think we need to proceed any further. You are obviously innocent of all charges and can go ... um, can I have that little book Robert? Just for old times sake eh. Father Fromm-Methebetta?

Father Fromm-Methebetta: Yessa, I agreea itsa betta we leava thingsa as they area. Umma, can I helpa with thosea er 'leetle jobs' you have a to do nexta?

Bishop Loveboy: Sure no problem. We can look at the problem from both ends as it were that way. Let's hurry.

**Ends**