Robert, as reported in his blog has found another religious nutter - this time a fraudster who goes by the name of Luz de Maria Bonilla (not her real name) who claims that Jesus sends her messages from Heaven.
Why do Catholics and our own Robert believe in this nonsense?
Why do mystics report messages from Jesus, Mary, God and anyone else from Heaven that were only sent to them via some unreported or unsubstantiated medium?
Why doesn't Heaven have a better communication system that can broadcast public messages?
Confused? I am .... oh, you probably (probability of 1) have never read or even heard of Robert's blog. Sorry about that. Here's a link: ROBERT'S BLOG
I've suspected it for a while now but Robert confirmed it in a comment on one of his recent posts:
I didn't realise that it would happen naturally though - there's nothing natural in the Catholic Church. I thought that he would be recruited and join the seminary to undergo some training.
Should the Catholic Church accept him into the fold however they should proceed with caution as some of his ideas are more wacky than most of the god-botherers's views - kind of like Father Dougal:
Now while miracles have been reported before in New Zealand like the fact that Chris Luxon became prime minister and Robert still believes in mythical deities, most don't get reported or are dismissed as the ravings of loonies.
There were a couple though that got attention back in the 1990s - one in 1993 in Auckland and the other in 1995 near Taumarunui.*
The 1993 apparition happened during the visit to New Zealand of the Medjugorje seer Ivan Dragicevic. The New Zealandia reported that Dragicevic had a vision of Mary in St Patrick’s Cathedral, before Mass. While this took place, hundreds of people reportedly said they saw the sun (with the shape of a host, Our Lady, the crucifix or a dove) pulsating and spinning, and changing colour. Some people present reportedly said that some or all of the silver parts of their rosary beads had turned to gold. Anecdotal evidence saw a run on rosary bead purchases at the church store and corresponding overwhelming of jewellery and gold bullion trading stores.
The other New Zealand apparition is claimed to have happened at Manu Ariki Marae near Taumarunui in 1995 where the vision of a lady in white happened for nearly three hours at the marae, before slowly fading away. The community there at the time reportedly had beliefs loosely based on Christianity, but with an emphasis on the female side of God. Catholic Church investigators discovered the remnants of mushroom inspired dishes and a disturbing number of photographs of statues of the virgin Mary taken from low angles. The investigation is on-going.
What this post is about is the unreported Rawhiti Letterbox Madonna, an event that took place in December 1964.
Three children who were dodging school to raid letterboxes, looking for Christmas cards and gifts that often contained money, had a scare when one of the boxes 'spoke' to them. They were discovered cowering and babbling by local constable Bob (Rangi) Eechwai and told him that a letterbox accosted them as they were riding past on their bikes. A few judicious albeit not judicial cuffs around their ears established the fact that they had been illegally checking out letterboxes and the one in particular, the Virgin Mary one, when they opened it screamed out "Shut the fucking door, you're letting a draft in!"
While Constable Bob wasn't exactly a religious guy, he still liked to keep his options open "just in case" he said and marched the kids along to see his second cousin Father Uptharode. His cuzzy was intrigued by the children's story but appalled at what they reported 'Mary' as saying. He coached them into reporting Mary's exclamation as something a little more seemly, or as seemly as the whole Maryan thing could be. He told them to quote Mary as saying:
“The Holy Spirit came upon me, and the power of the Most High overshadowed me."
"Eeew!" said the kids and each received a cuff around the ears.
The Catholic Bishop of the Northland diocese wasn't convinced by the story however and, after an investigation showed that an old atheist who was sick of having his mail stolen had rigged up a tape recorder in his mailbox to abuse anyone except the postman, closed the case.
Father Uptharode was relocated to a leper colony in the Solomon Islands and the little episode was buried in the church archives along with reports of kiddie fiddling, selling of communion hosts and misappropriation of the Sunday collections.
I guess we're lucky that we live in New Zealand where most people are rational.
* Richard was not living in Taumarunui at the time having left there in the mid 1970s. He did have visions but these were put down to overindulgence in alcohol.
The above costumes cover a range of saints but are probably more suited to Robert than me. They don't 'float my boat'.
I kind of like the Knight Templar look but, living in Northland I usually go about in shorts and T-shirts so will be looking for something a bit less formal.
Saint Jerome apparently is the patron of irascible, morbidly sensitive, old curmudgeons which pisses me off because that was what I wanted to be. Maybe there's room for the two of us though and we can share the role both doing it part-time.
Jerome normally dresses like this:
Which is more like how Richard dresses than I do but on hot days can sometimes be seen like this:
I might have to work out a bit more on the exercise machines and the weights before I try that look though and would prefer wearing my Swanndri underpants rather than that nappy he's wearing.
Yesterday when I was taking the train to Waikanae I stared out the window, as you do, looking into the middle distance. At one point I noticed a shaft of sunlight breaking through a cloud that's typical of the Kapiti coast and shining down into the sea. The effect was quite mystical and I thought that I might have had a vision.
"Why me" I thought and then immediately had another thought "why not me?"
Hey! I can be just as good a visionary, a mystic or a saint as those other nutters that Robert bangs on about although I don't think I'd be much cop as a martyr. If the nasty blokes threatened to hold hot pokers to my feet to get me to renounce Robert's god I'd likely say "fair enough, what else do you suggest?"
Saint Peter is a good saint name and has been successfully used before. I might have to add a by-line to save confusion though and need to think up something that can be the patron saint for. Saint Peter the moaner doesn't have sufficient cred for Catholics so I might have to jazz that up - I guess Saint Peter the patron saint of curmudgeons has a certain ring to it.
I've noticed that Robert's nutters have usually experienced some vision of Mary or Jesus exposing themselves or calling out from clouds. In the bible god used to pretend to be a burning bush, a vibrating rock or a talking donkey to get the attention of the schizophrenics mystics and saints. I need to come up with something new. I notice that even though it's mentioned a bit in the catechism and scriptures The Holy Ghost hasn't done much meet and greeting.
I reckon that I could put a narrative around my 'vision' on the train and The Holy Ghost. I was alone in the carriage at the time so there's no-one to dispute what I saw or didn't see,
I'm not sure what The Holy Ghost is responsible for or what attributes it possesses but, given the constructs of the Catholic Church and the Catechism and the acceptance of the insane babblings of crazy nuns, psychotic friars and sad and lonely priests, then I'm sure that I could make up some things that believers like Robert will buy into.
I searched the internet but could only come up with nebulous shite like this:
The Holy Spirit enables Christian life by dwelling in the individual believers and enables them to live a righteous and faithful life. The Holy Spirit also acts as comforter or Paraclete, one who intercedes, or supports or acts as an advocate, particularly in times of trial.
And this:
The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are an enumeration of seven spiritual gifts first found in the book of Isaiah, and much commented upon by patristic authors. They are: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.
That's not exactly riveting. I'd prefer some bricks and mortar stuff and to be aligned with more of a heroic character like Richard's Baxter who's not averse to a bit of evisceration or beheading:
"Hey! Where are those bloody heathens?"
He would have to be disguised as a seagull though. As much as I dislike this imagery it has become the default setting for The Holy Ghost among Catholics so it might be too much of a stretch to create anything different. I want my path to canonisation to be easy after all.
I know that Robert's church won't make me a saint straight away and that I'll have to work at it - maybe over a few weeks or even a month. I'll have to create a few seagull-like visitations, happenings and miracles and report on these via future blog posts. I'm not sure if old Frank reads my blog - he should because I've generally been complementary to him but maybe Robert can put a good word in for me.
Thanks Frank, that's what I'm after.
I'm looking forward to being a saint and am already thinking about what warrants or crests I can use on the blog to denote the accolade - something like a royal warrant to the queen:
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