THE FATHERS PAT AND RICH SHOW

*SPECIAL REPORT*

You won't read this anywhere else but we have secured Father Patrick Bridgman for a debate with new kid on the block (priesthood) Richard of RBB.

Fr Richard Bassbag

Moderator - The Religious Curmudgeon

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Hello fathers.

FATHER PATRICK BRIDGEMAN: Hello The Religious Curmudgeon.

FATHER RICHARD BASSBAG: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ....

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: What's so funny Father Richard Bassbag?

FATHER RICHARD BASSBAG:  You said "Hello fathers" and it reminded me of that Alan Sherman comedy song from the 1960s .....

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Yes, I remember that. Here's a link to it so you can watch it later - ON YOUR OWN TIME.  https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY Can we move on?

FATHER RICHARD BASSBAG: Sheesh! Hey, you can call me Rich.

FATHER PATRICK BRIDGEMAN: And you can call me Pat.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: OK Rich and Pat. I'll leave you to your discussion.

PAT: Thanks TRC.

RICH: Whatever, sheesh!

PAT: Hi Rich. Look. I don't want to start on the wrong foot but, if you want to get ahead in this priest game you have to be nice so I suggest that you drop that 'sheesh' thing and stop being petulant.

RICH: But The Curmudgeon says that a lot and he gets away with ...... Oh. I see what you mean.

PAT: There you go. Now they tell me that you'll be joining us soon to help run things in the old parish. Not down I hope. Ha ha.....

RICH: Ha ha ha ha (prick!) ... yes, I'm hoping to officiate at brother Rob's parish.

PAT: Brother Rob? Marist is he?

RICH: Well he certainly likes the Virgin Mary I can tell you. No, when I say brother Rob you should pay more grammatical attention. I spelled 'brother' with a lower case 'b' because he's my actual brother not a Marist Brother. I'd have used a capital 'B' if he was one of those tossers. (Sheesh!)

PAT: Sheesh! Touchy. I'm not sure if we can accomodate you there as you see I'm your brother's parish priest and there's only a job for one.

RICH: No problem. Can I just be the priest at that Anglican church that Rob cleans. It's all the same to me? 

PAT: "All the same ..." I'm flabbergasted. Did you go to a seminary?

RICH: No. I just use a hanky.

PAT: A hanky? What? Oh ..... oh I see. Eeew.

RICH: So Pat can you put a good word in for me?

PAT: Well Rich, I don't know, because I don't know those Anglican guys. Mother told me not to play with them you see.

RICH: Well fuck that for a row of donkeys.

PAT: "A row of donkeys"? What on earth are you talking about.

RICH: I'm just practicing a few silly sayings so that I can get that Catechism nonsense over to the punters.

PAT: Look Rich. I really don't think you have your heart in this. Do you think you're making the right decision?

RICH: Well, The Curmudgeon's counting on me to secure a supply source of communion hosts. We've got this little business planned ....

PAT: That's it. I'm going to tell the bishop.

RICH: OK. whatever. Hey! Do you happen you have the phone number for that Anglican church?

HEY JOE!

 Today we have a bit of a departure from the usual references to God, Jesus, Mary and The Holy Ghost. These imaginary people and things get enough coverage. I thought that one of the lesser known and often forgotten about imaginary people in the 'Bible Story' - Joseph, Mary's 'husband' deserves a bit of a mention. It's a cold wet and windy day here but we managed to track down Joseph for an interview via Google Blogger and a good imagination.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Welcome Joseph, I'm pleased to see you. It's cold so get your ass in here.

JOSEPH: Hello The Religious Curmudgeon. I'd better leave the ass outside. He's worked up a bit of a sweat and ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Ass? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Damned American spelling. I meant 'get your arse in here' - it's a Kiwi expression and, yes, leave your ass outside.

JOSEPH: Ha , ha - hey, can I call you something else other than The Religious Curmudgeon?

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Sure,. You can call me Al.

JOSEPH: Al? .......Oh, I see, a joke ..... yes I like Paul Simon's songs, we don't get enough of them in Heaven unfortunately, not with all those bloody hymns and psalms and violin music going on. Um ... Al .... you can call me Joe.

AL: That's a nice coat you're wearing.

JOE: Yes, it's a dream.

Al: OK Joe. You're probably wondering why I asked you in for a chat. Well, no doubt you've been keeping up with the latest news about The Kardashians, sorry, The Royal family ... damn it no - the Religious Family ..... what do you guys call yourselves anyway?

JOE: Mmmm.. good question. Some toadies like Robert The Inconsiderate sinner refer to us as The Holy Family. Personally I think it' s a bit twee but .....

Al: The Holy Family it is then. As I was saying The Holy Family has been getting a bit of stick recently with some people saying that Jesus never existed and others, that you and Mary were more a marriage of convenience rather than the perfect couple. See: HERE and HERE

JOE: Yes, I saw that Al. You do know of course that we are all made up. We're just figments of some holy and political guys' imaginations in the 4th century and now perpetuated  by desperate, insecure and needy people

Al: Ha, ha.

JOE: It's not that funny Al.

Al: No, I was laughing at that word 'perpetual'.  When I was in Primary school there was a prayer that the nuns taught us - something about Our Lady of Perpetual Succour. We little kids misheard this as Our Lady of the Petrol Sucker. We laughed. Ha ha.

JOE: Mmmm .... as I was saying even as made up characters we do have back stories. That report about me and Mary for example implied that I was some kind of a cuckold allowing my young ...

Al: Very young.

JOE: OK, she was 14 - get over it .... my young fiancé to go off on holiday with her cousin and get shagged by some joker and when she got pregnant she made up a story that it was god or one of his proxies who got her up the duff.

Al: I've seen a good cartoon about that - here:

JOE: Yeah, I've seen that - it's good. Old imaginary god didn't like that though

Al: But it did concern you though?

JOE: Look (furtively looking around) It's just between us OK? Mary was a kid and she got into trouble. Back in those days when kids like her got up the duff and they weren't married it was called adultery and they got murdered by their stupid family and neighbours, usually by having rocks thrown at their heads. It's sort of like what's happening in USA today with those right wing Republican religious nutters ...... anyway, I helped her out by saying that I would marry her ....

Al: That's nice of you Joe but weren't you a bit old?

JOE: Mmmmm - well, there's another story to that .... look, you're open minded about this LGBQT thing aren't you?

Al: LGBQT? Yes, its not my thing but À chacun son goût I say.

JOE: Do you?

Al: No, not really, it's just a saying but I think that people should be allowed to live their lives as they want as long as they don't harm others. Robert The Inveterate sinner thinks otherwise of course.

JOE: Ha ha, yes Robert The Inebriated sinner. We in imaginary land often crack up at his latest silly wittering.

Al: OK, what about this LGBQT thing then?

JOE: Mmm ..... well, you know how the story goes that I was married before Mary and I shacked up together?

Al: Yes, I read about that - not in the silly Catechism that the nuns made us read, but somewhere.

JOE: Well, that was bullshit.

Al: The Catechism?

JOE: Well of course The Catechism is bullshit but I was talking about the previous marriage story. I wasn't married at all but, well, you know how people talk about an older guy who's never married ...?

Al: Umm, no, ummm ..... hey!

JOE: Exactly. I play or played for the other side back then.

Al: So you were .....

JOE: Yep and proud of it. Johnny and I ...

Al: Johnny?

JOE: Yes, John, my partner. Hold on .... I have a pic of us somewhere ... just a mo .... here it is:

Al: Nice. I like that beard that John , er, Johnny has.

JOE: Yes, I miss that. Anyway when things got too hot ...... I don't mean um....... you knew that us gay guys got rocks thrown at our heads too didn't you?

Al: No. The Bible and The Scriptures are a bit vague about that but I can certainly see it happening, particularly if they murdered 14 year old girls with rocks.

JOE: Yes, just like the Taliban. Anyway, Johnny and I had to split up for safety. He went off to some sort of religious retreat place and I went to Bethlehem to a distant cousin's place. She told me about her daughter and asked if I could pretend that I was the father of the prospective kid. It suited me as it gave me some cover as well as protecting her.

Al: OK, that all makes sense now. Did you and Mary ever .... you know ....?

JOE: No, give me a break

Al: So you and Mary lived out your imaginary days bringing up an imaginary kid named Jesus then?

JOE: Yeah. I'm a saint.

Al: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

JOE: H ha ha ha ha ha haha - I like you Al, maybe we could ...

Al: No. We couldn't. So what was this Jesus character like?

JOE: Jeez! He was a right little bastard technically and by nature. He wouldn't help out with the stonemason business leaving me to .....

Al: Stonemason? I thought you were a carpenter?

JOE: Carpenters? No. Soft rock wasn't my thing. I was more into heavy rock you know.

Al: ?????

JOE: The Stones.

Al: ?????? ...... oh..... a joke. Got it.

JOE: Yeah, eventually

Al: So, this Jesus ....

JOE: He was always skiving off, making up stories and lying. When he didn't have a lot of cronies round him he'd make up imaginary friends and get these imaginary friends to report back how wonderful he was. It was sort of like Donald Trump inventing that imaginary John Barron character who would tell the Press how wonderful Trump was.

Al: Right, got it. So imaginary Jesus had imaginary friends and made up stories about exploits that never or could never happen.

JOE: Yes and this became the basis if Christianity - particularly Catholicism.

Al: It figures.

JOE: Look Al, I've got to go, I've got a sore ass ....

Al: Oh, sorry. Those new bar stools we bought haven't been worn in yet.

JOE: Bar stools? No. I mean my ass outside gets sore if I leave him alone too long. Sorry about that American expression.

Al: Ha ha. Take care Joe. Maybe you could swing by  Richard's and Robert's places on the way down South.

JOE: Good idea. The ass will be needing a dump by then and it'll be good for Robert's garden. Bye.

MARY MARY QUITE CONTRARY

We had a bit of a laugh, us Curmudgeons when we read a recent post of Robert's recounting his experience at Mass the other day when his new best friend Father Patrick banged on about the Virgin Mary.

Fr Patrick was the priest who said Mass. Of course it was the feast day of the Assumption of Mary to Heaven so praises and prayers to Mary abounded.



Father Patrick's homily was therefore about Mary and her role as someone who can show us how to live fully.

He said " ...she shows us why we were created and how to live fully, she shows us when we are most fully alive. Mary gave thanks and praise to God and served God and God's people. There is much you can do in life , much which is exciting and good. Very good. And can give great meaning indeed. But if we know that we are created to give thanks and praise to God, to serve God and to serve God's people, that gives greater meaning and a great truth to direct our lives and how to live fully and then we are most alive. Even on a Sunday morning when we might have been up early watching silly people throwing leather around in a field, we still know that we were created to give thanks and praise to God, to serve God and God's people . She realized that this was the mission of her life. This brought her fullness of life, when she gave thanks and praise to God, not only was she most alive but she brought life into the world. And yes, this is through her son, but in so many other ways.

Yes, she brought the light of Jesus into the world and she brought the light to the apostles...He has so many ways to bring life into the world.

Why were you created? Your answer to the question shapes your day.
With Mary we can bring Jesus into THIS time, a time when this world needs a message of hope and life and goodness.
And then with Mary we will be finally, one day, with God. Not something to be afraid of. For we know it is the fullness of life, Mary lived and died in thanks and praise to God in whose presence she knows fullness.
Where Mary goes we follow with thanks and praise through eternity."

What a hoot! I particularly liked that bit about Mary showing us that we are fully alive. That's helpful I guess if you wake up one morning and think that you're dead.

We also had a laugh when reading this article:

THE UNTOLD TRUTH OF MARY AND JOSEPH - GRUNGE

It's worth a read but here are some outtakes:

 A girl named Mary gets pregnant by the Holy Spirit, her fiance decides to be a solid dude and be God's kid's stepfather, she and Joseph go to another city to get counted in a census, there's no room at the inn, and she gives birth to the son of God (Jesus) in a stable surrounded by cute animals. Then three kings from far away, led by a giant star pointing out where Jesus is, show up with expensive gifts (followed by random shepherds with no gifts). Zoom out on a sweet scene of the holy family. They have to flee to Egypt to escape a murderous king later. But all is calm and all is bright for now.


THEY ALMOST BROKE UP BECAUSE MARY WAS PREGNANT

In Mary and Joseph's time, women's purity was valued as a currency, something that would sweeten the deal between marriage negotiations in family. There were no paternity tests back then—if you wanted kids that you were sure were yours, the best insurance was marrying a virgin. 
So imagine your girlfriend shows up after visiting her cousin for three months with a big ol' baby bump. Everyone, not just Joseph, was freaking out. Mary would have been considered damaged goods and not marriage material. It didn't help that she was claiming it was God's baby, not even that of a man other than Joseph. So he planned to end their engagement. 


WITHOUT JOSEPH, MARY WOULD HAVE BEEN STONED TO DEATH

Think about the story of the Nativity as if it happened today: Teenage girl from an extremely conservative society (when it comes to sex and women's rights) gets engaged, visits her cousin, and comes back visibly pregnant. Mary was an OG and kept to her story that the Holy Spirit had gotten her pregnant, but people were as skeptical of the idea back then as they would have been today.
Joseph tried to be nice about it—Matthew 1:19 describes how he planned to separate from her quietly so the public wouldn't shame her. But "shame her" is a nice way to say "stone her to death." Deuteronomy 22:21 and the surrounding verses lay down the law that if a girl had sex while living with her parents (i.e. unmarried), she would be stoned to death for bringing shame upon her family.

JOSEPH SAVED JESUS'S LIFE AS A BABY

Once the angel visited Joseph and confirmed that Mary was really going to have God's kid, Joseph got on board immediately.
But this also extended to after the birth of Jesus. God, perhaps impressed by how chill Joseph had been throughout this whole ordeal, sent another angel to Joseph telling him that they had to pick up and leave immediately. He obeyed, and they fled what turned out to be a massacre of all kids in Bethlehem younger than two years old. King Herod (a.k.a. one of the best Sunday School villains) had sent people out to kill any child who might be the Messiah after running into the three kings on their way to visit Jesus. Couldn't handle any competition for the throne, apparently.

MARY AND JOSEPH DIDN'T GET INTIMATE AT ALL UNTIL AFTER JESUS WAS BORN

It's explicitly stated in the Bible that Joseph and Mary didn't consummate their marriage until after Jesus was born and they bailed to Egypt. Which makes sense, since Mary was pregnant most of the time they were initially together. And getting freaky isn't really worth it if it means your girlfriend is stoned afterward.
But even this viewpoint is pretty revolutionary in terms of how believers view Mary. There's a healthy group of people, mostly Catholic, who believe that Mary never had sex ever. The "perpetual virgin" view of Mary is used as a way to honour her alleged holiness and purity as the mother of God.

There's more interesting stuff in the article so have a read.

One thing that particularly stands out for me though is the fact that if this was all planned by that God joker he/she/it knew what was going to happen step by step. He/she/it knew then that wicked old Herod, learning of the birth of an heir to a or the kingdom other than his own sprogs, would have every other baby born in the kingdom murdered. We assume that this would have numbered in the hundreds of thousands. What a bastard - God as well as Herod. If I did believe in Jesus (who apparently never existed) and Mary and God and stuff then this part of the story would leave a very bad taste in my mouth as they all would have been aware of the consequences.