HEY JOE!

 Today we have a bit of a departure from the usual references to God, Jesus, Mary and The Holy Ghost. These imaginary people and things get enough coverage. I thought that one of the lesser known and often forgotten about imaginary people in the 'Bible Story' - Joseph, Mary's 'husband' deserves a bit of a mention. It's a cold wet and windy day here but we managed to track down Joseph for an interview via Google Blogger and a good imagination.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Welcome Joseph, I'm pleased to see you. It's cold so get your ass in here.

JOSEPH: Hello The Religious Curmudgeon. I'd better leave the ass outside. He's worked up a bit of a sweat and ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Ass? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Damned American spelling. I meant 'get your arse in here' - it's a Kiwi expression and, yes, leave your ass outside.

JOSEPH: Ha , ha - hey, can I call you something else other than The Religious Curmudgeon?

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Sure,. You can call me Al.

JOSEPH: Al? .......Oh, I see, a joke ..... yes I like Paul Simon's songs, we don't get enough of them in Heaven unfortunately, not with all those bloody hymns and psalms and violin music going on. Um ... Al .... you can call me Joe.

AL: That's a nice coat you're wearing.

JOE: Yes, it's a dream.

Al: OK Joe. You're probably wondering why I asked you in for a chat. Well, no doubt you've been keeping up with the latest news about The Kardashians, sorry, The Royal family ... damn it no - the Religious Family ..... what do you guys call yourselves anyway?

JOE: Mmmm.. good question. Some toadies like Robert The Inconsiderate sinner refer to us as The Holy Family. Personally I think it' s a bit twee but .....

Al: The Holy Family it is then. As I was saying The Holy Family has been getting a bit of stick recently with some people saying that Jesus never existed and others, that you and Mary were more a marriage of convenience rather than the perfect couple. See: HERE and HERE

JOE: Yes, I saw that Al. You do know of course that we are all made up. We're just figments of some holy and political guys' imaginations in the 4th century and now perpetuated  by desperate, insecure and needy people

Al: Ha, ha.

JOE: It's not that funny Al.

Al: No, I was laughing at that word 'perpetual'.  When I was in Primary school there was a prayer that the nuns taught us - something about Our Lady of Perpetual Succour. We little kids misheard this as Our Lady of the Petrol Sucker. We laughed. Ha ha.

JOE: Mmmm .... as I was saying even as made up characters we do have back stories. That report about me and Mary for example implied that I was some kind of a cuckold allowing my young ...

Al: Very young.

JOE: OK, she was 14 - get over it .... my young fiancé to go off on holiday with her cousin and get shagged by some joker and when she got pregnant she made up a story that it was god or one of his proxies who got her up the duff.

Al: I've seen a good cartoon about that - here:

JOE: Yeah, I've seen that - it's good. Old imaginary god didn't like that though

Al: But it did concern you though?

JOE: Look (furtively looking around) It's just between us OK? Mary was a kid and she got into trouble. Back in those days when kids like her got up the duff and they weren't married it was called adultery and they got murdered by their stupid family and neighbours, usually by having rocks thrown at their heads. It's sort of like what's happening in USA today with those right wing Republican religious nutters ...... anyway, I helped her out by saying that I would marry her ....

Al: That's nice of you Joe but weren't you a bit old?

JOE: Mmmmm - well, there's another story to that .... look, you're open minded about this LGBQT thing aren't you?

Al: LGBQT? Yes, its not my thing but À chacun son goût I say.

JOE: Do you?

Al: No, not really, it's just a saying but I think that people should be allowed to live their lives as they want as long as they don't harm others. Robert The Inveterate sinner thinks otherwise of course.

JOE: Ha ha, yes Robert The Inebriated sinner. We in imaginary land often crack up at his latest silly wittering.

Al: OK, what about this LGBQT thing then?

JOE: Mmm ..... well, you know how the story goes that I was married before Mary and I shacked up together?

Al: Yes, I read about that - not in the silly Catechism that the nuns made us read, but somewhere.

JOE: Well, that was bullshit.

Al: The Catechism?

JOE: Well of course The Catechism is bullshit but I was talking about the previous marriage story. I wasn't married at all but, well, you know how people talk about an older guy who's never married ...?

Al: Umm, no, ummm ..... hey!

JOE: Exactly. I play or played for the other side back then.

Al: So you were .....

JOE: Yep and proud of it. Johnny and I ...

Al: Johnny?

JOE: Yes, John, my partner. Hold on .... I have a pic of us somewhere ... just a mo .... here it is:

Al: Nice. I like that beard that John , er, Johnny has.

JOE: Yes, I miss that. Anyway when things got too hot ...... I don't mean um....... you knew that us gay guys got rocks thrown at our heads too didn't you?

Al: No. The Bible and The Scriptures are a bit vague about that but I can certainly see it happening, particularly if they murdered 14 year old girls with rocks.

JOE: Yes, just like the Taliban. Anyway, Johnny and I had to split up for safety. He went off to some sort of religious retreat place and I went to Bethlehem to a distant cousin's place. She told me about her daughter and asked if I could pretend that I was the father of the prospective kid. It suited me as it gave me some cover as well as protecting her.

Al: OK, that all makes sense now. Did you and Mary ever .... you know ....?

JOE: No, give me a break

Al: So you and Mary lived out your imaginary days bringing up an imaginary kid named Jesus then?

JOE: Yeah. I'm a saint.

Al: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

JOE: H ha ha ha ha ha haha - I like you Al, maybe we could ...

Al: No. We couldn't. So what was this Jesus character like?

JOE: Jeez! He was a right little bastard technically and by nature. He wouldn't help out with the stonemason business leaving me to .....

Al: Stonemason? I thought you were a carpenter?

JOE: Carpenters? No. Soft rock wasn't my thing. I was more into heavy rock you know.

Al: ?????

JOE: The Stones.

Al: ?????? ...... oh..... a joke. Got it.

JOE: Yeah, eventually

Al: So, this Jesus ....

JOE: He was always skiving off, making up stories and lying. When he didn't have a lot of cronies round him he'd make up imaginary friends and get these imaginary friends to report back how wonderful he was. It was sort of like Donald Trump inventing that imaginary John Barron character who would tell the Press how wonderful Trump was.

Al: Right, got it. So imaginary Jesus had imaginary friends and made up stories about exploits that never or could never happen.

JOE: Yes and this became the basis if Christianity - particularly Catholicism.

Al: It figures.

JOE: Look Al, I've got to go, I've got a sore ass ....

Al: Oh, sorry. Those new bar stools we bought haven't been worn in yet.

JOE: Bar stools? No. I mean my ass outside gets sore if I leave him alone too long. Sorry about that American expression.

Al: Ha ha. Take care Joe. Maybe you could swing by  Richard's and Robert's places on the way down South.

JOE: Good idea. The ass will be needing a dump by then and it'll be good for Robert's garden. Bye.