EXTRA VIRGIN

 

Not this

Nor this

Maybe this

I guess that Mary, the mother of Robert's god must have been an extra virgin which, going by that depressed looking image above is no wonder. Still, Catholics have bought into the myth in a big way. Don't just take my word for it - here's some random Catholic guy's opinion:

I was thinking about this last night as I drizzled the oxymoronic Red Island Australian Extra Virgin olive oil on my salad last night.

Maybe I should look for a brand that references Mary:

THE MOST RIDICULOUS BIBLE STORIES #2

The first 'Most Ridiculous Bible Stories' post last week was very popular having gained 10 comments like these ones:

It would be remiss of me not to follow up with another and, who knows (maybe God?) this could become a regular series.

This week's ridiculous story is from Matthew 8:28 and is the one about Jesus and the demon pigs.

Jesus was taking a leisurely stroll through a demon-infested tomb when two violent heretics began flailing about in front of him. They sarcastically asked if the "Son of God" had come to torture them for being possessed.

Before Jesus could answer, a herd of pigs came thundering over a nearby hill. For some reason, the demons possessing the men pleaded to be allowed to enter the pigs. Jesus permitted this, but, soon after, the demon pigs were driven into the sea where they drowned!

People from the local town were shocked and they told Jesus to leave their land immediately. The moral of the story is: don't reject Jesus' teachings or he will drive your livestock into the sea and blame it on demons.

If you don't believe me and, believe me I wouldn't blame you, I have to tell that it's true. See here:

 

MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY OF THE COMING OF THE LORD

 As The Curmudgeon advised the Sunday Quiz, the Sunday Riddle and the Sunday Conundrum have all been discontinued due to cheating, indifference and snide references from readers. 

Instead I have decided to provide a weekly Bible story for you from  The Most Ridiculous Bible Stories.

First up is this: Exodus 33:18

18 Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”

19 And the Lord said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 

20 But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”

21 Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 

22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 

23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”

Well, that's a bit weird. It sounds like a silly game that lovers play... mind you...

ROBERT, LOOK AWAY NOW

 The Pope has come out ..... I'd better rephrase that .... the Pope said that wanking, and other sexual practices are OK as long as they are done within the confines of marriage as blessed by the Catholic Church.

see:

WANKING IS OK

Old Frank got himself in a bit of bother when he said earlier that homosexuality shouldn't be illegal but it's still a sin. You remember of course that I posted on it: HERE

Poor old Frank is twisting himself in knots here trying to defend his original statement and the silly things he said afterwards.

Pope Francis has clarified his recent comments about homosexuality and sin, saying he was merely referring to official Catholic moral teaching that teaches that any sexual act outside of marriage is a sin.

And in a note last week, Francis recalled that even that black-and-white teaching is subject to circumstances that might eliminate the sin altogether.

Francis first made the comments in an interview earlier this month with The Associated Press, in which he declared that laws criminalising homosexuality were “unjust” and that “being homosexual is not a crime.”

Frank went on to say:

“When I said it is a sin, I was simply referring to Catholic moral teaching, which says that every sexual act outside of marriage is a sin,” Francis wrote in Spanish, underlining the final phrase.

No doubt he'll backtrack on his revised statement as well because he is suggesting that as long as a Catholic marriage is involved the whole 'textbook' of sexuality can be dipped into (sorry about that phrase). Trump and his golden showers, USA evangelists threesomes, lots of 'whoops-a-daisy and much, much more will go on with the Church's blessing. That should bring them back to Mass on Sindays ... sorry ... Sundays.

LOOK OUT MONKEY!

 

Noah came up (pun intended) in comments on The Curmudgeon's blog post recently.

 This got me to thinking how Robert's 'holy' book that he bangs on about can be a bit raunchy sometimes and also very violent.. The christian nutters, particularly those in USA, who want to ban LGBQT-oriented literature in schools and anything that has adult themes might do well to read their own book of choice The Bible.

The bit about Noah and his daughters is here:

Genesis 19:33

“Come, let us make our father drink wine, and let us lie with him that we may preserve our family through our father.” 33 So they made their father drink wine that night, and the firstborn went in and lay with her father; and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose.

So, stupefying, coercion, rape and incest are just a few of the things wrong with this and the Christians complain about 'The Catcher In The Rye'! Give me a break. Mind you, it's likely that this is why the bible-bashers covet it. They can get their jollies while pretending to be virtuous.

MASS MARKETING

 It seems that Robert is muscling into the Wellington tours since the false start by the New Richard's Bass Bag Tour and the ensuing poor reviews:

I shudder to think what a Robert's Tour experience might be like. You'd want to go in disguise that's for damn sure as you wouldn't want pedestrians recognising you in the van.

I think that a pre-emptive strike is needed. Robert does identify a promising market though - Catholics who have nothing better to do than go around visiting churches. This made me think that a bigger market could be lapsed-catholics who want to get their own back at the institution that brow-beat them and told them so many lies over the years of their education.

Fortunately I have some experience in being a sacristan and know of a way to please these disgruntled future clients. At school, when I was a sacristan I unearthed a black market for communion hosts outside of the strict confines of the Mass. Students like Dennehy and Wilson approached me for some hosts as they (weirdly) liked the taste of them and didn't want to go through the long-winded process of attending a service to get some. They also, being sinners, were rarely in a 'state-of-grace' to receive communion and, anyway, didn't like to receive the host from the grubby hands of a priest - after all, who knows what he'd been doing with those hands. An idea was born. You know the rest but here's a refresher for you: MINE HOST

I will draw up some fancy brochures (I did have a career in marketing after all) but here's a quick outline of what a The Curmudgeon's 'Mine Host' tour will encompass:

• Confirmed rendezvous
• Guaranteed collection.
• 'Mine Host' tee shirt.
• Special 'scapula' identification badges.
• Balaclava and hoody provided for break-ins.
• Back-door visits to lesser fortified churches.
• A selection of toppings for the communion hosts liberated.
• Celebratory stop at 'The Loaves and Fishes' bar with complementary glasses of altar wine - Santa Massa Mass Wine:

• or, what the priest actually drinks - Ormond Rich Ruby Port: 

Keep an eye out for the advertising campaign and I advise that you book early because this will be a doozy.

YOU'RE FIRED!

OK, Robert has posted again - well, copied another silly sermon - this one being from Matthew 25 about the master and servants.

He recounts this as if it's a good thing and that we should learn something from it. It appears that Robert's god is a capitalist at heart and doesn't give two stuffs for the real poor.

See his post here: THE GOSPEL READING

He sums up by saying:

"Karlo Broshart and the Pope both say that Jesus is using gold as an analogy to charity and grace.

So the man is Jesus, who has given us large amounts of love and grace. He expects us in turn to use this abundance of grace by investing it in others with charitable works. Those who do not are at risk of eternal severance from God, that is, hell (wailing and grinding of teeth)!"

I don't know who Karlo Broshart (sounds like a porn star name) is but he, the Pope and God all sound like cunts.

I don't like this parable about the master getting his servants to invest the stake-holding he gave them and praising the ones who made obscene profits but was nasty to the conservative one. What sort of message is that to poor people?

Sure, the popular interpretation is that God gives us abilities and leaves us to get on with using them properly until he returns and asks for an account - the moral being don't hide or waste your talents.  OK, fair enough but he didn't have to be a cunt about it.

Taking away his money and firing the servant sounds a bit more like Donald Trump behaviour rather than that of a 'loving and all-caring' God. Praising the greedy servants with their avarice touted as endeavour flies across all notions of generosity, compassion and good Samaritan behaviour. Once again this shows the inconsistencies and contradictions in the scriptures. If I didn't know better I'd think that this religious stuff is a thinly disguised beat up of Socialism promoted by the Church ..... oh, that's right The Church = The Vatican which is totally opposed to Socialism and Communism, aligned itself with Fascism and even Nazism over the last 100 years. Have a look at this: POPE AND MUSSOLINI