NOT A RAVING LOONY

CHRIS NICHOL - a rare Christian with common sense

There was a great interview with Chris Nichol by Kim Hill on National Radio yesterday morning that is well worth listening to if you can get past Kim Hill's annoying mannerisms and interruptive interviewing.

Robert has been quite active in propagating his religious (as according to the catholic church) doctrine this last week so I thought that it would be good to hear from an educated, balanced and 'not a raving loony' religious person. Chris Nichol is a TV presenter and producer - Praise Be was one of his shows - and is an ordained minister of the Presbyterian Church and has taught a course in Religion, Media and Culture at Victoria University.

In this interview he talks about his takes on religion and uses some really interesting music to underline them.

I particularly like the bit where he says that Creationism is a myth. He believes that fundamentalists make the mistake of thinking that the Bible is real history. This should get Robert going.

He also says that the Resurrection was a myth as any right thinking person would acknowledge and explains this by saying that Jesus was on earth teaching some good things for which he was killed (political reasons). The 'resurrection' is in the fact that even though Jesus died he was on the right track and his teachings have endured - it is the teachings that have been resurrected. I can buy into that.

Have a listen to this if you have time:

CHRIS NICHOL - BEGINNINGS

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"WELL, IT SEEMS WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE"

THE VATICAN RAG





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TOM LEHRER - CHRISTMAS

The other Curmudgeons have been trawling through You Tube and swiping all sorts of rubbish as Christmas songs.

For musical parody it's hard to find better than Tom Lehrer.

I remember this one from years ago.

Enjoy:


TOM LEHRER





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HOCUS POCUS*

FOCUS - HOCUS POCUS

No, not that Dutch 1970s nonsense.

If you persevere in reading this post you will discover what is meant by Hocus Pocus.

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I promised that I'd bring you some of the nonsense and inconsistencies as expounded by Catholicism and, to date we've discussed the Stigmata, Relics and Indulgences.

In this post we will look at Transubstantiation or, as the Catholic Church likes to refer to it - The Real Presence.

The Real Presence is the term used to describe the bread and wine in a Catholic Mass. Catholics believe that after the words of consecration have been spoken by the Priest, the bread (host) and wine change their substance to become the body and blood of Jesus. 

When I was an altar boy (ages 7 to 9) I participated in this charade.

Catholics have a special ceremony called Benediction, in which a consecrated host is placed in an ornate case called a monstrance and the people are blessed with it and kneel and pray before it. 

I used to like Benediction better than the Mass because at Benediction which was always on Fridays, I was in charge of the thurible which burnt incense. I used to load it and light it and then, during the service swing it around a bit before handing it to the priest. It had a great smell and, when I was kneeling with it on the floor in front of me it used to make me feel a bit spacey (not Kevin Spacey as in his case it would have been the other way around).

Anyway, Transubstantiation.

Transubstantiation is, according to the teachings of the Catholic Church, the change of substance or essence by which the bread and wine offered in the sacrifice of the sacrament of the Eucharist during the Mass, become, in reality, the body and blood of Jesus Christ.
The Catholic Church teaches that in the Eucharistic offering bread and wine are changed into the body and blood of Christ. The reaffirmation of this doctrine was expressed, using the word "transubstantiate", by the Fourth Council of the Lateran in 1215.
The manner in which the change occurs, the Catholic Church teaches, is a mystery: "The signs of bread and wine become, in a way surpassing understanding, the Body and Blood of Christ."  - From Wikipedia.

Now this is right up there with the Easter Bunny, Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy and the saying "I promise that I won't come in your mouth". - All fictitious.

I've made mention in the past about hosts and Mass: MINE HOST

Anyway, if you want to believe in this nonsense then it's your prerogative.

With regard to 'Hocus Pocus' it's believed that the term comes from the words used by priests in Mass when they say: “Hoc Est Enim Corpus Meum” meaning “For This Is My Body”.




* The Religious Curmudgeon keeping you informed.

OLD RELICS

OLD RELICS

No, not ex schoolteachers. We may cover these in another post.

Robert has been banging on about a crazy monk named Pio of Pietrelcina who was canonised (made a saint) in 2002 which just goes to show that the catholic church is still a crazy place.

This Saint Pio of Peitrelcina seemed to be a bit odd and somehow his body would come up in strange welts, rashes and wounds that nutty christians claimed to be stigmata (see previous post).
Pio was reported to have said:

"Then last night something happened which I can neither explain nor understand. In the middle of the palms of my hands a red mark appeared, about the size of a penny, accompanied by acute pain in the middle of the red marks. The pain was more pronounced in the middle of the left hand, so much so that I can still feel it. Also under my feet I can feel some pain."

Sounds like psoriasis or shingles to me.

It is also alleged that Saint Pio was able to bi-locate (appear in two places at once) and to read the sins on a person’s soul. Well, I don't know about bi-location. Bi-polar was a distinct possibility.

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Anyway, as I said Robert has been reading about Pio ...... before I forget here's a Pio song.

A song:

Pio, PieeeeeeO
Daylight comes and my stigmata's not go -on.
Pi, I say Pi, I say PieeeO
Daylight comes and my stigmata's not gone.
Come Mr Christian man, check out my stigmata
Daylight comes and my stigmata's not gone.
etc.

Robert added in some nonsense about knowing god which although I didn't understand I was still going to comment on (never let lack of knowledge get in the way of a good comment or post).

Robert said:

"Anyway there are four stages in knowing God on this earth. Though I could be wrong.

1. Is wanting to do it. Obviously if you do not want to know God there is no point proceeding.
2. Cleansing. If you pray to God and you do not accept you are a sinner and can not accept forgiveness exit here.
3. Illumination. Here you might have sweet feelings when you pray but these could be from the devil so do not get stuck here.
4. Finally the best you can expect is a dark night of the soul when Jesus mostly removes Himself. But you should feel good and sing a lot!
If being very hungry helps then go for it."

If you can interpret that you are better than me.


Before I could comment Richard under one of his odd aliases replied in a blog post HERE

1) You've got to seek me out. I'm not that hard to find - just read My blog.
2) You've got to pray to Me, but first of all you've got to accept that you are a sinner. You are like a weed in a beautiful flower garden, or like a cockroach who is sitting on a child's birthday cake. If you can't accept this, bugger off now.
3) When you pray to Me and Adore Me, listen out for Satan. He is never far away and is an expert in disguise. He might dress up as a bass player, or a door to door salesman, or a shop assistant, or a doctor's receptionist, or a wine expert. The bugger is everywhere! If you make sure you're praying to Me you'll feel good and I'll feel a bit better too because I like the attention.
4) The best you can expect is a dark night of the soul when I remove Myself, but you should feel good and sing a lot! Except, of course, if your singing is really bad. Maybe people who can't sing could learn the trumpet or just recite a poem? If being very hungry helps then go for it. There are always take aways if you get desperate. If lying in front of buses helps, you'll be in Heaven real soon.

Which makes no more sense than Robert.

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So. That kind of covers Padre Pio and knowing about god so let's look at some other nutty things that the church and it's followers have done.

RELICS

Relics are objects related to Saints. According to wikipedia there are three categories of relics.


1st Class

Items that are directly associated with the events of Christ’s life (manger, cross, etc.), or the physical remains of a saint (a bone, a hair, a limb, etc.). Traditionally, a martyr’s relics are often more prized than the relics of other saints. If the relic was pertinent to the way the saint died then it's stock is more valuable e.g. if a saint was flayed then his skin would be a good relic or, if his fingers were chopped off or if his fingernails were pulled out - bingo - good relic. Heads are good, a famous saint's head may be his most important relic.


2nd Class

An item that the saint wore (a sock, a shirt, a glove, etc.) Also included is an item that the saint owned or frequently used, for example, a crucifix, book etc. Again, an item more important in the saint’s life is thus a more important relic e.g. a bird bath belonging to St Francis of Assisi or a pen that writes upside down belonging to St Peter. It hasn't been mentioned that saints underpants made for good relics but I assume that there were perverts back in the day who would have liked to have a holy sniff.


3rd Class

Anything which has touched a first or second class relic of a saint. Here ist gets a bit tenuous. The third class is a bit of a catch-all for churches who didn't have the real goodies. I'm sure that there was a dispatch section in the Vatican kind of like Amazon where distant churches could order some 3rd Class relics.


Well, that's it for relics. I hope that this was educational.

COMING RIGHT

Thanks The Curmudgeon and my brothers at CURMUDGEON INC.ⓒ for your care and support.

I've enjoyed reading those past blog posts what a great idea to keep them and not delete them every week like some other bloggers.

Thanks The Wine Guy for the wine. It has fortified me and I think I'll soon be able to write some more investigative posts. That Angry Jesus doesn't scare me although that nutter Basil or Boxer or whoever that works for him is scary. I still shudder at the thought of that cleanskin chardonnay he tried to force on me Ugh.

ANGRY JESUS FAILS THE RORSCHACH TEST

   In the previous post I discussed the Stigmata and the fact that it's an invention by the catholic church to explain away erratic behaviour and downright madness of its members - Sister Mary Fruitloop, Padre Pio, Robert e.g.

Today we have volunteered Angry Jesus to undertake the Rorschach test to see if there is any truth to the proposition that religious leaders and followers are gaga.

Hermann Rorschach
Brad Pitt will play him in the movie when they make it.

Hermann Rorschach 'borrowed' the idea of inkblots being used to assess personality from various sources (Leonardo da Vinci, Kerner, Binet amongst others) and developed the inkblot test for diagnosing mental disorders in mental patients.


Angry Jesus, as the most vocal spokesperson for Robert's religion in this blogging community was the ideal person to choose to undergo the test because, well, I suspect that the guy is a bit unbalanced.

Here goes:

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON (for this exchange to be referred to as RC)

ANGRY JESUS (for this exchange to be referred to as AJ)






RC: Welcome AJ, thanks for coming in to sit this test.

AJ: Test! I'm not afraid of any tests. I've been tested - and passed, when I was in short pants I....

RC: Woah. Hold up there AJ. This isn't a challenge it's just a simple little test to prove or disprove a theory I have.

AJ: What theory?

RC: Look, all will be revealed in the summary. Here is the Rorschach Test for you to have a look at.

AJ: Rorschach Test? Dad invented that.

RC: Yeah right - OK let's get going.

AJ: I'm not afraid of a test. Pshh! Tests don't scare me. Hey, remember Easter? I do. Dad said that I had to go down and make nice with those human jokers but to let them nail me to a piece of wood. It was a test you see. Didn't worry me none sunshine, let me tell you.

RC: Mmm, I see that you have some unresolved issues with 'Dad'. How do you feel about your mother?

AJ: Mum? Mum's great. Mum was a virgin you know when she had me. Mum was the best, Mum wasn't one of those scrubbers that hung about the Holy Land you know. I like my Mum. What are you implying?

RC: (Mmmm, denial). But, let's get on with the test. I'm going to show you some photographs of some images ....

AJ: This isn't one of those dodgy parties is it? Dad warned me about those. He said he caught The Holy Ghost sneaking off to one and boy did he knock a few feathers off that smarmy bastard. He...

RC: (Mmm, sibling conflict). But, look at these, Here's the first one.

RC shows AJ the first of the Rorschach images.

AJ: You dirty bastard. I told you, Mum was a good girl. A virgin, even at 14. I ought to....

RC: Don't get excited AJ. No-one is casting aspersions on your Mum's character. It's your character that's under test here. This is just the first image - a 'sighter' if you will to get you familiar with the process. Most people see this as a bat or a butterfly ....

AJ: Right. I see it now. It reminds me of that smarmy git The Holy Ghost.

RC: (Mmmm, sibling issues). Right, here's number two.

AJ: (sniggers) Number two. Ha ha.

RC: (Mmm, scatology issues.)

AJ: Looks like those Pharisees who executed me having a dance afterwards. Bastards!

RC: (Mmm, unresolved anger issues). Do you see anything else AJ?

AJ: No, no, no .....wait ....you dirty bastard!

RC: OK AJ, calm down. Here's number three.

AJ: Reminds me of that wedding I went to. The prats ran out of wine. Little did they know that I'd drunk the whole bloody lot really quickly. I was so full up with my holy bladder near to burst that when they weren't looking I pissed it all out back into the big vat they were using. I'd drunk the bloody stuff so fast that it still came out as wine albeit with a bit of funky character to it. I told the hosts that I'd just turned some water into wine for them. The idiots believed that. Ha, ha.

RC: (Mmmm, dishonesty issues. Drunkenness issues. Scatology issues. Meanness. Where does this stop?) Good AJ, you're getting the hang of this. Here's number four.

AJ: Shit! Dad. I'm sorry I made that joke about the wine. Ha. ha, I was only kidding, I didn't really do that hee hee.

RC: (Mmmm, father and authority issues.) Here's number five.

AJ:  Hey, that looks like Uncle Michael. He's nice. I wish he was my dad. Hey, I wonder......

RC: Good AG, good - now here's number six.

AJ: I wonder what Mary Magdalene's doing now? Do you think I should give her a call. I sort of left her alone back there in the Holy Land. Do you think she'll be pissed off? .... Oh, sorry RC, I was getting a bit off-track there.

RC: (Perfect. Sexual awareness and yearning). No, no problem AJ you're doing well. Here's number seven.

AJ: You know that Mum didn't really like me seeing Mags.

RS: Mags?

AJ: Yeah Mags - Mary Magdalene. Mum said that she was a bit loose and would lead me astray. Mummy wanted me close to her. I like being close to mummy.

RC: (Mmmm, Oedipal issues). That's fine AJ, you're doing fine. here's number eight.

AJ: I don't like this one. It's a bit poofy. That reminds me, I told that music teacher joker to paint his house dark blue and he hasn't listened to me. I should paint it poofy pink overnight just to fuck him up.

RC: (Mmmm,  sexual insecurity issues and vengeance.)  No matter, we'll move on to the next one. Here's number nine:

AJ: Yeah, The Holy Ghost thinks he can just lord it up in heaven, sucking up to dad. Bastard! All while I have to hang about down here with all of these needy prats saying "Jesus, Jesus, help me and I'll pray to you". Well who needs their 'prayers' What's that all about? Dad only invented those when he thought the bastards were getting a bit off track and might rumble us on the scam.

RC: OK, moving on, here's the last one , number ten. What do you think?

AJ: Yeah, pretty, kind of like that Eiffel Tower I made a while ago. Look, I've got to get along, I can't waste time with this nonsense you know. I thought that you wanted my opinion on those nutters who flagellate themselves and stick knitting needles into their bodies trying to pretend that they're me. Twats. So what's the story?

RC: No, we're done. That was useful thanks AJ. You'd better run along now. Don't get pink paint on your dress. Ha, ha.

AJ: Ok, bye.

(Angry Jesus peels away in his modified Nissan Skyline)

RC: Fuck! Definitely certifiable. No wonder all of the acolytes are raving nutters.