SISTER MARY

 Robert, while reminiscing in his latest post, misremembered that a nun who was formative in his education had the 'tile' Sister Mary. See:  MARY IS APPEARING ALL OVER THE PLACE

What little (and now big) Robert didn't and doesn't realise is that the use of 'Mary' in a nuns name is a naming custom whereby most Catholic sisters and nuns have the name “Mary” included in some form in their religious name. The 'religious' name can be anything else that they choose and, bizarrely, can be names usually associated with either gender hence we can see Sister Mary Agatha alongside Sister Mary George.  I don't think that Robert ever had a Sister Mary teach him, at least not in Primary school or in real life.

In his post Robert asserts that Mary is appearing all over the place. There isn't much in the way of fact to prove this in the post but he does mention discovering a book written by some nutter who reckons that she sees The Virgin Mary in the clouds or something which might explain the 'all over the place' reference. It's a wee bit of concern that Robert is a bit furtive in his discovery:

"Anyway, I came across (sic) Annie Kirkwood as I cleaned.
Discarding my cloth and glove I snapped a picture, aware that Kylie might walk in and find me being nonproductive, at any time,"

As follow-up I did a Google search on 'Sister Mary' to check my assumption (not that made-up story in the Catechism about Mary scooting up to heaven) and found this that will be of interest to Robert.

WHERE'S THE ARK OF THE COVENANT?

 

OK, so where is it?

It gets me that this thing that's so important has been mislaid and no-one knows where the damned thing is.

If it's a big, fancy-schmancy box made of gold and encrusted with precious jewels surely it would stand out.

I was thinking about this today when I was looking for a computer external hard drive that we own. We haven't used it for a while and it has some old photographs on it that are no longer on the (working) computers we have. I looked all over for it to no avail and suspect that it's in a nondescript box somewhere in the attic, above the wardrobe in the study, in the cupboards at the end of the house or in the shed. To find it I'll have to did through all of these.

Maybe someone, many years ago put the Ark of the Covenant in a show box and then someone else stick it in an attic. That would explain the mystery,

THE MORE OBSCURE CATHOLIC SAINTS - PART FOUR

 I was fortunate to discover this obscure saint who has some relevance to Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner who may well become a saint one day himself. He certainly has the title for it and will keep future Catholics amused and enthralled by his exploits for centuries. They will marvel at his perceptive observations and try to emulate his gastronomical creations. I wonder if reconstituted potatoes will exist in the future. I wonder if potatoes will exist in the future. I wonder if people will exist in the future ..... but I digress.

Saint Homobonus of Cremona ...... I didn't make this one up... honest ... see:

Saint Homobonus (I just like repeating that name- it's hilarious) is the patron saint of shopkeepers and I thought it quite appropriate to mention him because Robert looks after the church shop and needs a patron saint to help him and Richard wrote about this but was unable to discover a patron saint of shopkeeping, finding instead a dominatrix named Sister Strapper. Shelley really should check out his browser history. Robert, in his enlightened state should see this as a bonus.

"I love you Saint Homobonus"

As Wikipedia tells us Saint Homobonus (Sant 'Omobono in Italian) was canonised in 1197, the year that he died. This was the result of an urgent request by the citizens of Cremona who desperately needed a patron saint of shopkeeping since the previous one, Saint Fingusindatill was de-canonised following revelations of impropriety, fraud and embezzlement committed during her earlier earthly employment.

Omobono Tucenghi was a Cremona merchant who believed that God had allowed him to work in order that he would be able to support people living in a state of poverty. He was a bit like Geoff Bezos owner of Amazon in that regard who believes in a god-given right to employ people on minimum wage and keep them in a state of poverty thereby maintaining a constant stream of available and affordable labour. See: HERE

Homobonus (Omobono), like Robert and unlike Richard was a frequent church attendee and would partake in the Eucharist every day.  Some critics have suggested however that he was too mean to buy his own breakfast and would have the 'body and blood of Jesus' for free. It was reported that while attending mass, prostrated in the form of a cross, on November 13, 1197, Homobonus died. No-one thought to investigate the death and the bizarre way that his body was displayed (there were no Netflix crime dramas shown then) so it was considered some kind of miracle or at least it was according to the church cleaner Ima Nutta who discovered the body.

 Homobonus was soon canonised (nothing to do with falling cannons from battlements) by Pope Innocent (yeah right) III. In the bull(shit) of Homobonus's canonization Pope Innocent III called him "father of the poor", "consoler of the afflicted", "assiduous in constant prayer", "man of peace and peacemaker", "a man good in name and deed", "this saint, is still like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in our time". "contributor to my personal endowment fund", "fellow fiddler of little boys", "funniest guy at our dress-up parties", silly as a chook when pissed" and "old fancy knickers".

Homobonus's head is preserved in the side chapel in the Church of the Blasted Virgin (a typo made by the stonemason and never corrected) in Cremona. The verger of the church at the time who did the preservation fancied himself to be a bit of a wit and would say to anyone who listened "I always wanted to get ahead".

THE MORE OBSCURE CATHOLIC SAINTS - PART THREE

 Middlefart Denmark gets a lot of visitors, usually schoolboys and older men who haven't quite grown up. Their interest is scatological rather than in the town's renowned sites like Middelfart Church, dedicated to St Nicholas, which has a Late Romanesque chancel first constructed in the 14th century and a nave with aisles from the late 15th century. or the Henner Friiser Hus, a half-timbered house dating from around 1575.

 

Our interest today in Middlefart  is neither in history nor toilet humour as The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ prides itself on maturity and sophistication. No, in the third of the series THE MORE OBSCURE CATHOLIC SAINTS our interest is in Padre Pardonme of Middlefart the patron saint of flatulance.

Born in 1456 Padre Pardonme, or Pooh as he was known to his friends and family was brought up comfortably in a middle class or bourgeoise environment. His father was a burgher who had made his fortune initially as a butcher and then as controller of the town's bakeries, charcuteries and other food suppliers. Pooh was a chubby child by nature with a voracious appetite and the access to rich foods, particularly processed meat products soon added to his girth so that by the time he was about to leave school at the age of fourteen, Pooh was grossly overweight.

While being overweight in Renaissance times was seen to be a position of fortune and worthiness  rather than anything to be ashamed of, Pooh was nevertheless the butt of jokes from his peers who called him Porky Pooh or 'Squeeze me' which, in local dialect was a kind of pun on his given name Pardonme. Pooh though, had a good sense of humour not unknown in people of his endomorphic propensity. With his voluminous gastric cavities aided by significant amounts of processed pork product, Pooh naturally expelled more intestinal gas than normal, a fact well known to him and anyone who was close by. Pooh then, through the frequency of his flatus and his sense of humour managed, by dedicated practice, to control the pitch, tone and duration of them not unlike how musicians do with their musical instruments particular the A-toned ones. In time he was able to perform little tunes to entertain his friends and to hopefully diminish their mean jokes.

In the time of the Renaissance, music was primarily religious and was used to carry the words of prayers. Pooh's source material was limited and the 'tunes' short which was probably just as well for his friends who huddled in close to listen to Pooh's renditions. Some of Pooh's best interpretations were:

Good Food Prayer

Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat!

 

Secret Kitchen Dinner Prayer

Dear Lord, 
as you know, we asked those who we knew could make a meat dish sublime, and those who we knew 
prepare questionable meals all the time, each to do their part, so none would feel left out, the real cookers, will bring the meat dishes, excuse us Lord, the others will wash them out.
We thank you God for this meal. Bless our thoughts to be truthful and our words to not be mean, we just want this dinner to be one of the best we've seen. Amen.

The boys and girls huddling together caught the attention of the priest Father Inthebetta, a Jesuit on secondment from Rome who was charged with increasing the numbers at Mass (and getting the offertory takings up). Father Inthebetta listened to the 'tunes' and, as the church organ fund was sorely lacking, saw Pooh's renditions as a great drawcard for the congregation who hadn't yet discovered 'NOT' jokes and could do with a bit of a laugh.

Pooh was indoctrinated into the mysticisms of the clergy and taught the miracles of transubstantiation, confirmation, confession and a lot of other made up things. Father Inthebetta also taught Pooh about pyramid schemes, diamond necklace hoaxes, selling of indulgences, instant finace and how to promise to withdraw before .... well, you know. Pooh was a quick learner and, under Father Inthebetta's tuition and mentorship rose quickly  in the church's ranks and the esteem of Rome as takings, both legitimate from the Sunday collection and tithing and illegitimate from the on-the-side selling grew the Church's coffers.

Pooh or, Padre Pardonme of Middlefart died early due to health issues that were not properly understood at the time. His legacy, along with his corpse was enormous however and the reigning pope Pope Addom of Vijayanagara was easily persuaded to canonise Pardonme who is now the official patron saint of flatulence and, in honour of his father, hamburgers.

THE MORE OBSCURE CATHOLIC SAINTS - PART TWO

This new Saints series has taken off well. Robert is learning new things about his favourite saints and has been inspired to run his own series titled 'Sinners'. See: HERE


Here's number two in the series - Saint Elizabeth of Palo Alto.

Saint Elizabeth of Palo Alto

1956 – 2016.

A trust fund kid embraces Sister Poverty


Today’s saint was also known as Lizzie Child of the Clouds Harmony when a teenager and through to her mid 20s. She was born into wealth with her parents owning a well known plasticware business in Los Angeles. Being a Catholic family there were a couple of saints in its bloodline - Saint Elizabeth of Hungary and Saint Elizabeth of Poland who were her namesakes.
In the 1960s Elizabeth spent a rebellious time indulging in alcohol, drugs and embracing the Hippie 'flower power' culture that prevailed and took on her 'Lizzie Child of the Clouds Harmony' name to replace her family name of von Thuringen. It is said that this lifestyle and her ingestion of powerful hallucinogenic drugs at Woodstock and other festivals enabled her to see The Blessed Virgin Mary and Jesus in visions. This was verified by her friend at the time Father Awaythebetter who played double bass for a West Coast 'Acid' rock band. Father Awaythebetter was a virgin, a state that was perpetualised by his choice of musical instrument and he too, after ingesting the same drugs saw The Blessed Virgin Mary, Jesus and The Holy Ghost. "Cool man" he recorded afterwards "That Holy Ghost Dude was awesome." It was Father Awaythebetter who convinced the Californian Catholic Diocese to promote Elizabeth of Palo Alto's canonisation which happened after her death in 2016.
Elizabeth had the luxury of leisure due to her wealth and status. She was able to freely move around embracing the freedom of communes without actually having to slum it as she went home to her parents Bel Air mansion during the week to 'recharge her batteries'. This freedom and rootlessness took on greater significance after her miraculous visions of The Virgin Mary and Jesus as she could dedicate time to Mass, to prayer, and to her spiritual exercises. Her resources of time and money also allowed her to assist the poor, which she did generously, even to the annoyance of her parents who soon tired of having hippie VW Combi vans parked on their lawns and bought her a series of 3 story condominiums in Palo Alto which she named 'Harmony in the Clouds'. It is easy to say that money doesn’t matter when you have money. Only people with money, in fact, say that money is not the only thing. Money did not matter to Elizabeth, precisely because she did not lack it. She simply gave it away. And she fortified her financial generosity with her personal example of prayer, fasting, poverty, and holiness, edifying her people.

After her parents died, Elizabeth, now in her 40s and with no income, entered the convent of the Poor Lizzies which she herself had founded in the 70s which was dubbed then 'The Dizzy Lizzies'. She took vows as a Mail Order Franciscan and lived in relative obscurity with the other sisters. The convent derived it's income, after Elizabeth's funding ran out, by making and selling, initially by mail order and then via the internet, little plastic and wood statues of Jesus on a cross. These were colloquially known as 'kebabs'.
After Elizabeth had given away all that she had, she gave away herself, and then there was nothing left to give. She was a model Catholic Saint and is the patron saint of clouds, harmony and. of course kebabs. Saint Elizabeth of Palo Alto, help us to see all wealth, of time or money, as a gift and an opportunity to serve the Lord and our fellow man. You promoted peace in your mind and in your communes. Help us to do the same.

THE MORE OBSCURE CATHOLIC SAINTS PART ONE

In a nod to Robert as in: Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner  I've decided to run a series on the more obscure Catholic saints. Robert seems to have a fascination for these 'saints' and the obscurer and nuttier the better. His latest is Mary of Jesus of Ágreda or, as he calls her Maria of Aggradda or Marie of Aggredda. It probably doesn't matter as she's pretty insignificant in the scheme of things as far as the Catholic Church goes but her fame and influence is more suited to Spanish political history:

Mary of Jesus of Ágreda  also known as the Abbess of Ágreda (2 April 1602 – 24 May 1665), was a Franciscan abbess and spiritual writer, known especially for her extensive correspondence with King Philip IV of Spain and reports of her blocation between Spain and its colonies in New Spain (America). She was a noted mystic of her era.

Well that, from Wikipedia was OK except for the nonsense of bilocation which enthrals Robert. Wikipedia goes on: 

A member of the Order of the Immaculate Conception, also known as Conceptionists, Mary of Jesus wrote 14 books, including a series of revelations about the life of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Her bilocation activity is said to have occurred between her cloistered monastery in rural Spain and the Jumano Indians of central New Mexico and West Texas, as well as Tucson, and inspired many Franciscan missionaries in the New World. In popular culture since the 17th century, she has been dubbed the Lady in Blue and the Blue Nun, after the color (sic) of her order's habit.

Apart from that wine reference there, the rest is gobbledygook. How could anyone write 14 books on the 'Blessed Virgin Mary'? Also, who on earth (or anywhere) could believe in bilocation and the fact that a cloistered nun 'flys' off regularly to visit some Indians in America. I mean, what did the Indians think and did anyone think to ask them? Maybe Mary of Jesus of Ágreda could join the ranks of Marvel superheroes. I'm sure that bilocation would be a pretty good power that the audience of children and sad older men could get into.

"Sorry, I've got to go. I'm hearing the final boarding call to New Mexico in my head."

Anyway, back to my series on obscure saints.

It's quite fitting that the first one up is Saint Jude (there is a prize for the first person who spots the pun).

Like many of the saints, Saint Jude cannot be sufficiently “explained.”  It's better  to sit back and simply hear the stories that have been made up about him. Here is one:

Kissing other men.

One day while Jude was praying to his god, he received an answer: “Hey Jude, if you want to know my will, you must hate and despise all that which hitherto your body has loved and desired to possess. Once you begin to do this, all that formerly seemed sweet and pleasant to you will become bitter and unbearable, and instead, the things that formerly made you shudder will bring you great sweetness and content.”

Jude was comforted by these words and  wondered how he could act on them.

One day, as he was having a quiet ale in a tavern, he met a homosexual man. He had always felt an overpowering horror of homosexual men, but making a great effort, he conquered his aversion, approached him and kissed his hand. The homosexual man then gave Jude the kiss of peace, after which he left the tavern and went home.

Some days later he took a large sum of money to the tavern, and gathering all the customers together, he gave them alms, kissing each of them. Formerly he could neither touch or even look at homosexual men, but when he left them on that day, what had been so repugnant to him had really and truly been turned into something pleasant.

Indeed, his previous aversion to homosexual men had been so strong, that, besides being incapable of looking at them, he would not even approach the places where they frequented. But, strengthened by God’s grace, he was enabled to obey the command and to love what he had hated and to abhor what he had hitherto wrongfully loved.

There are many other stories made up about Saint Jude and, maybe later, after we've looked at other obscure saints I can recount them. Needless to say, Jude's actions in this and other ways brought him to the notice of his god (via the auspices of Bishop Prismatic of Padua) and he was canonised for his actions.

WAS JESUS GAY?

 You know that The Religious Curmudgeon, and indeed, all of The Curmudgeons in The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ brings interesting bits of news, fact and fiction to you unencumbered by the need for exactitude. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" is our motto borrowed from that great raconteur Samual Clement.

Every now and then I come across some items that will be of interest to the many blog followers - in this case Robert the irreverent sanctimonious sinner and toilet cleaner will be pleased to hear of my findings.

Was Jesus a gay?

Before we analyse the data that has come to hand (no distasteful jokes please Richard) it's worth noting that if Jesus had been gay - or homosexual as 'gay' as a term is only of 20th century origin - then that could only be a good thing for millions of oppressed and repressed people around the world. The Catholic Church for a start could open its doors (and closets) to let in (and out) a multitude of new members (no pun intended) and free up its own clergy to allow them to live normal lifestyles or at least normal to the LGBQT community. Who knows, it could even lead to The Catholic Church admitting that women too are normal and can function in society like men and be admitted to the clergy. Marriage between clergy, whether male of female could at last be sanctioned and everyone (especially pre-teen boys and girls in convent schools) can breathe a sigh of relief.

But, let's not get ahead of ourselves and let's look at the 'data'.

At the crucifixion of Jesus, we are told that all of the disciples (apostles included) had buggered off leaving only Jesus's mum and his 'special friend' John.

 "When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing near, he said to his mother, 'Woman behold your son!' Then he said to the disciple. 'Behold your mother!' And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home."

The Gospels tell us that Jesus loved John  in a special way.  In all images of the Last Supper John is next to Jesus, very close and sometimes holding his hand, kissing him or resting his head on Jesus's breast. 

As a  Hebrew rabbi, it was unusual that Jesus hadn't married particularly that, in his 30s it would have been considered his middle age at the time. In past posts I've suggested that Jesus had been having some kind of affair or relationship with Mary Magdalene but this could just be romantic fiction put about by Jesus's spin doctors as there is no evidence in the Bible that it was so. There is very strong evidence however that Jesus was gay or bisexual. John the Apostle himself said in his Gospel that he was:

"The "disciple whom Jesus loved" (John 21:24) 

 Saint Aelred of Rievaulx in De spiritali amicitia ("Spiritual Friendship"), referred to the relationship of Jesus and John the Apostle as a "marriage" and held it out as an example sanctioning friendships between clerics.

The Gospel of Mark describes how in the Garden of Gethsemane, "A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When the temple guards seized Jesus, he fled naked, leaving his garment behind." (Mark 14:51–52). It reminds me of that scene in Something about Mary when the cops busted up  the rest-stop:

And you remember how that turned out:

Remember that Jesus hung out with sailors a lot. I'm not suggesting that all sailors are gay - I'm not some sort of bigot and, you know me, I don't jump to conclusions but I'm just saying that a lot of those apostles and disciples that Jesus hung out with were 'fishermen'. It gets lonely in a boat out on the water OK?

Jesus liked to wash feet:

OK, not necessarily anything to see here but .....

Just so you don't get the idea that it's just me raising the possibility that Jesus was gay I looked on-line and there has been a lot of discussion of this both in and without the Christian Churches. The Anglicans more so than the Catholics but then they are more open-minded and reasonable people. I like what  Jules Suzdaltsev wrote in VICE back on 6th July 2015:

"After the Supreme Court's historic ruling on gay marriage, it seemed like all the proudly homophobic Christians came out of the woodwork to talk about how much they still hate gay people. As a straight Jew, the homophobia amongst Jesus's followers has always struck me as a bit of a surprise: Worshipping at the feet of a ripped, hung man, seems at least a little homoerotic. But it's Jesus himself who lights up my gaydar like a Christmas tree. He's a skinny young otter-like guy, flocked by a mess of dudes, telling everyone to love and care about each other, who later gets the shit beaten out of him by a bunch of closed-minded conservatives who are terrified of change."

****************

In his Guardian article, 'Was Jesus gay? Probably', Paul Oestreicher (The Guardian 20th April 2012) summed it up nicely:

"Heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual: Jesus could have been any of these. There can be no certainty which. The homosexual option simply seems the most likely. The intimate relationship with the beloved disciple points in that direction. It would be so interpreted in any person today. Although there is no rabbinic tradition of celibacy, Jesus could well have chosen to refrain from sexual activity, whether he was gay or not. Many Christians will wish to assume it, but I see no theological need to. The physical expression of faithful love is godly. To suggest otherwise is to buy into a kind of puritanism that has long tainted the churches. 

Whether Jesus was gay or straight in no way affects who he was and what he means for the world today. Spiritually it is immaterial. What matters in this context is that there are many gay and lesbian followers of Jesus – ordained and lay – who, despite the church, remarkably and humbly remain its faithful members. Would the Christian churches in their many guises more openly accept, embrace and love them, there would be many more disciples. "

WHERE DOES HE FIND THEM?

 Robert the sanctimonious silly catholic sinner and toilet cleaner is forever uncovering crazy religious people who are deemed saints by the even crazier Catholic Church.

You may remember Sister Mary Fruitloop, Saint Polycarp of Smyna, Padre Pio, Saint Faustina, Saint Lutgardis of Aywières and others.

Now he's uncovered another nutter Marie of Agreda. See:

This Marie of Agreda was really off the wall, believing that she could appear in two places at once (bilocation) like that weird Padre Pio and wrote treatises on the Virgin Mary. She also wrote a job description for the Archangel Michael.

What next?

I'm sure that Robert will be able to find many more crazies on his own but I wonder if he knows of Sister Mary Tourette? Just in case he hasn't here's a prayer that Sister Mary Tourette wrote back in the nineteenth century. It hasn't found much favour in the Catholic Church but - early days eh.

"Dear Lord, I pray that you BASTARD!.. sorry... would give me strength to be strong for You FUCKING ARSEHOLE! .... sorry... in the world today. Lord, you know the s..s... SHIT! .. sorry ... struggles that I will f..f.. FUCK! .. sorry .. face today. Be with me as I go through them. Carry me if I am too w.. w.. WANKER! .. sorry ...weak to move.

Lord, I need peace. I want peace I want A PIECE OF ARSE! ... sorry ... Show me what peace looks like. May I experience more of Your ... PRICK! .. sorry .. peace this week. AH MEN! ...sorry .. Amen."

     

         - Sister Mary Tourette.